Tab's Non-Fiction Pick: Today I'm Alice by Alice Jamieson

Today I'm Alice is the debut novel for author Alice Jameison, and to be honest this is an incredibly difficult book to review. This is not the kind of book that everyone will be able to read, nor do I think that everyone should attempt to read it. Jameison has written, in collaboration with Clifford Thurlow, a gut level, brutally raw memoir of childhood sexual abuse detailing her later diagnosis of Multiple Personality Disorder, or Dissociative Identity Disorder and her struggles to maintain some sense of 'living'.

In her book Alice identifies somewhere between 9 and as many as 30 separate personalities; her 'alters' as she refers to them, who occupy space within her mind. There is 10-year-old JJ, six-year-old Samuel who simply wants to curl up and cry, the confident but traumatised 14-year-old Shirley, and violent and self-harming Kato, aged 16 to name a few. Each present with their own mannerisms, voices and distinct quirks and personalities, and each speak through Alice at different times, for varying reasons.

In the foreword of the book Alice says, "All through my childhood I suffered sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I told no one. This book describes how I developed 'mechanisms' to cope with the abuse as a child and how as an adult, I have struggled to lead a normal life through periods of psychosis, mental breakdowns, drug addiction and self-harm. I make no apologies for the uncompromising language and the blunt truths that need to be told."

“Throughout my childhood I developed different persona's. Each persona compartmentalised a section of the abuse, until it was time to create another personality to help with another aspect.”

Alice would often find herself in unfamiliar surrounds having no idea where she was or how she got there. She would 'lose time' and then discover random items like Lego – the favoured plaything of “alter” five-year-old Billy – with no recollection of how the toys came to be in her possession or why she had them.

Alice's childhood appeared to have all the trappings of a middle class British upbringing, but behind closed doors the unimaginable was occurring.

To be honest, I'm not going to recommend the book. I also not going to say you shouldn't read it. I think stories such as Alice's are incredibly important and necessary. I admire the her will and determination in trying to carve out any sort of existence at all. The truth is there is a lot of ugliness in this world. But for those who are victims of abuse, damaged and possibly isolated, such books may provide a starting point for dealing with their own pain. For those blessed with amazing families and supportive friends, the book may serve to open minds, debunk myths and illuminate some of the shame that still surrounds mental illness.

Alice Jamieson is now a marathon runner, qualified gym instructor and is about to undertake further studies to complete her PhD in the field of self-harm and dissociation at the University of Birmingham.

Although Today I'm Alice is not a comfortable read by any means, it is a vitally important book with a compelling story that should indeed be told.

International Best Seller

Two thousand year ago this dude wrote a book...okay, he didn't actually sit down and pen it, he had some mates of his write it and well, he didn't actually put it all together in a 'book', that happened later... with the whole inventing a printing press thing, but the point is, there was this book. And not just any book. Some two thousand years on (give or take a few decades) the book is still the number one best selling book of all time. It has been translated into more than 2,000 languages and is still recognised as one of the most frequently translated texts. No one is exactly sure how many copies of this book are in print, but it has sold in excess of 6 billion copies world wide! No other book in history even comes close to the sales of this book. Interestingly enough, the only other text that comes close to this sort of 'best seller' is the 'Quotations from Chairman Mao Tse-Tung'. This little book sold an impressive 900 million copies, but that's still a long way from 6 billion. You might have guessed that I am talking about The Bible. Do these kind of facts just blow your mind? I mean you gotta wonder... 6 billion copies? God obviously had something to say that a few people thought was worth reading.

I remember having a 'moment', okay, a fit, about the fact that I really have no writing mentor and sometimes just really have no clue about what I am doing. I'll do something about joining a critique group one of these days, but in the mean time I felt God's gentle reminder that He in fact had a little somethin' in print and that He was quite able to direct my path. Food for thought?

While I'm on this little facts and figures trip, I thought you might like to know that we are all wasting our time writing novels. Apparently, what sells are spelling books. Yes, spelling! The American Spelling Book has sold 100 million copies. You could print your own little book of records, or has that been done? Oh yeah, Guiness Book of World Records has sold around 94 million copies world wide and the Almanac Books of Facts has sold 73 million. But then again J.R.R Tolkien has apparently carved out a living from writing non-facts related stuff. Her book 'The Lord of the Rings sold 150 million copies to date and 'The Hobbit' has sold around 100 million. Yep, Tolkien can write. Charles Dickens also knew a thing or two about words. The dude wrote this little thing called, 'A Tale of Two Cities'. A few people have heard of it. The book has sold about 200 million copies! But now I am just depressing myself...wondering if I'll ever get in print never mind selling millions... or even thousands.

Just thought it was interesting, that even in this day and age, a book written so long ago has the power to out sell every other book. I'm rather proud to call Him Father. And I think He probably knows how to guide me. 6 billion copies! Wow. Did I mention that already?

When I Loved Myself Enough' by Kim McMillen

An amazing woman gave me this mind blowing  little book about a month or so back, and I haven't been able to put it down. It's a simple read crammed full of the kind of wisdom you only collect over many years of living. But the words are clear and warm, deep and inviting. It left me feeling like there was so much more I had yet to learn about the woman I am and even more to learn about accepting what I find within. Instead of trying to sit on who I am, I wonder about the freedom of just 'being'. 

In the introduction author Kim McMillen writes, "For many years I lived with a guarded heart. I did not know how to extend love and compassion to myself. In my fortieth year that began changing. As I grew to love all of who I am, life started changing in beautiful and mysterious ways. My heart softened and I began to see through very different eyes."

My own path has taken me through some dark places in life, but I am increasingly unwilling to reside in the past. As I look within I see someone worth knowing and I am beginning to set a table inside for all of me to attend. 

As I read this book I let the tears flow. I wonder how many of us have a few tears to cry over the person  that lives within us whom we have abused or denied? I wonder what it will take for us the stop and love who we are? My first act of self love (although I didn't know it at the time) was to start counselling. Kim writes, "When I loved myself enough I quit ignoring or tolerating my pain." Maybe for you it isn't pain, but something else you have been putting up with. I am no longer willing to say "it's okay." when in fact it is not.

Other words of wisdom that hug my heart are, "When I loved myself enough I started feeling all my feelings, not analysing them- really feeling them. When I do, something amazing happens. Try it. You will see."

"When I loved myself enough I learned to meet my own needs and not call it selfish."

"When I loved myself enough I quit exhausting myself by trying so hard."

"When I loved myself enough I began leaving whatever wasn't healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits-anything that kept me small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self love."

This book will take you all of five minutes to read, but it will stay with you long after you finish the last page. Highly recommend it! 

So thank you to the woman who saw me and knew where I was at- should she ever read this she knows who she is. :)

I wonder what words you would add to these pages?

When I loved myself enough...