Monday, February 15, 2010

If a Kiss Means This






There was a time when I kissed for him. Something he needed. Something he wanted. Something I knew nothing about. I had two lips and nothing more to offer. But I loved him. How I loved him. In the way that Sixteen loves, I loved. And in the way that Seventeen loves, he loved me too. But when it came to the kiss, I was missing. Motions. That is all I knew. Mouth here. Tongue there. Breath. If you can. Remember to breath. Avoid his hands. Avoid his wanting. Avoid him. Until we pulled apart. He, having taken the crust of me that I offered. Me, having more time till he would want to kiss again.

There was a time when I kissed for me. Something I handed out. Like a backstage pass to possibly more, because after all, he'd waited. Something I still knew nothing about. I had two lips and friendship and nothing more too offer. But I loved him. How I loved him. In the way that Twenty-One and Newly Minted Wife loves, I loved. In the way that Twenty-Two and Newly Minted Husband loves, he loved. But when it came to the kiss, we were missing. Motions. Oh, we had a script to follow. Kiss him. He in turn kissed the vacant woman before him. And together we tried to make that work. How was he to know that another man had already taken whatever there should have been to offer?

There was a day when we stopped kissing. No more. Enough. This was not for me. And it was hardly for him anymore. He knew I wasn't there. Even though I knew where he was, I could not find myself. And finally that stopped being okay. I had a shell without life, bones without flesh. But I loved him. How I loved him. In the way that Ten Years of Marriage and Hand-Holding loves, I loved. In the way that Ten Years of Marriage and Trying To Find Me loves, he loved. But my past was splitting through my locked doors and I needed him to fight. For me. For him. For us.

Today we kiss for us. Something gentle when it rains. Something sweet when everything else is bleach. Something we offer from where we are, to who we are, and who we want us to be. Something we know something about. And I love him. How I love him. In the way that scaling cliffs and swimming oceans to find myself loves, I love. In the way that warriors and imperfect men love, he loves. Our eyes are opened. To each other and to the future. There is nothing hidden, except the things we are yet to uncover. There is nothing removed except the pieces of my shame  and his unknowing that kept us apart. And everyday is a journey to remove more of what divides and hide only what we wish to keep between the two of us. I know where I am. I know where he his. I see and am seen. He sees and is known. That is our kiss. Our kiss means this.


HAPPY BELATED VALENTINES DAY ALL!

[winner of my last giveaway is  Wendy Prior!!! Congrats! Please email your address to tab[at]zaeya[dot]com ]

38 comments:

  1. So beautiful and full of poignant truth.

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  2. Tabitha, how do you do this? How long does it take you to write something this beautiful? Wow. That was amazing.

    Have you read Thin Places, by Mary deMuth? It's her memoir and quite possibly the most powerful book I've ever read.

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  3. I don't think this takes you any time at all because this seems a part of you. I think this just flows from you. A reader can feel that this is really what you feel. Beautiful.

    Michele
    SouthernCityMysteries

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  4. Wow, you blow my mind sometimes Tab. That is just gorgeous. You make that seem so effortless. I would have to bang my head against my desk for a month to come up with something that beautiful.

    And I won!! Woohoo, I so NEVER win anything :D Yay! Thank you :D

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  5. Ah so lovely - Happy Valentines :)

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  6. Beautiful. :)
    Happy belated Valentine's to you, too.

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  7. I'm still waiting to exhale. That was stunning. I'm glad your kissing again. :)

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  8. The more we reveal, the more there is to discover.

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  9. Took my breath away, Tab. Exquisite. I feel the pain of this, because I, too, was vacant for so long. Physical intimacy still has its challenges. So glad you have your Matt.
    Karen

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  10. Tabitha, your mind must be an exquisite place to live. <3

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  11. What a gorgeous post, Tabitha. There's got to be an anthology this could be submitted to.

    Helen
    Straight From Hel

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  12. Loved your honesty about kisses! I think we can all relate! :-)

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  13. "having taken the crust of me that I offered"
    That is not only honest and gorgeously written, it is such original imagery. I was carried away on the river of your words. My soul thanks you.

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  14. I'm always impressed when you write your soul like this. Just lovely.

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  15. I can only echo what others have written... beautiful post. "Taking the crust of what I offered..." begs for another blog, the Why of not being in that moment.

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  16. said from the heart...lovly thought of learning how to love through the years.

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  17. Tab, LOVE your posts. How do you keep that melodic writer's voice" on the pulse of my veins???

    Blessings,
    Patti

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  18. I love the progression throughout the poem...where it began and where it ended...awesome.

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  19. Tabitha, I've seen you commenting on Jody's blog forever and decided it's time I follow you, especially since you write memoir. I've written a memoir as well -- great to connect. :)

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  20. My wish to have a kiss that means everything you've written here. Beautiful beautiful beautiful. Hope you had a lovely Valentine's.

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  21. That is so - so beautiful. YOU are talented!

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  22. Guh-or-geous. Gave me goosebumps. Always love reading your stuff.

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  23. This made me tear up. It's so raw and honest and I know exactly what you mean. I've given kisses and I've been that shell you wrote about. It seems to come and go.
    But kisses should be special and beautiful.
    This really touched me. Thank you.

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  24. That is beautiful. It rings true to what I've experienced in my marriage.

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  25. Wow.... That was so powerful. Wow. You write with soul, Tabitha.

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  26. This is the coolest Valentine's Day post I've read. Thanks for something many of us can understand and appreciate in your beautifully-crafted words.

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  27. What a most beautiful amazing Valentine. I'm not really into it this year, but this is gorgeous, all the same. Purely gorgeous.

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  28. Tabitha, this is so touching and beautiful. If only everyone could come through that stage to victory life would be a much more perfect place then.

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  29. Tabitha, that was incredible. You write with such emotion! Very nice.

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  30. Happy belated Valentine's, Tab. :)

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  31. Amazing, beautiful, breathtaking--as always!

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