There was a time when I kissed for him. Something he needed. Something he wanted. Something I knew nothing about. I had two lips and nothing more to offer. But I loved him. How I loved him. In the way that Sixteen loves, I loved. And in the way that Seventeen loves, he loved me too. But when it came to the kiss, I was missing. Motions. That is all I knew. Mouth here. Tongue there. Breath. If you can. Remember to breath. Avoid his hands. Avoid his wanting. Avoid him. Until we pulled apart. He, having taken the crust of me that I offered. Me, having more time till he would want to kiss again.
There was a time when I kissed for me. Something I handed out. Like a backstage pass to possibly more, because after all, he'd waited. Something I still knew nothing about. I had two lips and friendship and nothing more too offer. But I loved him. How I loved him. In the way that Twenty-One and Newly Minted Wife loves, I loved. In the way that Twenty-Two and Newly Minted Husband loves, he loved. But when it came to the kiss, we were missing. Motions. Oh, we had a script to follow. Kiss him. He in turn kissed the vacant woman before him. And together we tried to make that work. How was he to know that another man had already taken whatever there should have been to offer?
There was a day when we stopped kissing. No more. Enough. This was not for me. And it was hardly for him anymore. He knew I wasn't there. Even though I knew where he was, I could not find myself. And finally that stopped being okay. I had a shell without life, bones without flesh. But I loved him. How I loved him. In the way that Ten Years of Marriage and Hand-Holding loves, I loved. In the way that Ten Years of Marriage and Trying To Find Me loves, he loved. But my past was splitting through my locked doors and I needed him to fight. For me. For him. For us.
Today we kiss for us. Something gentle when it rains. Something sweet when everything else is bleach. Something we offer from where we are, to who we are, and who we want us to be. Something we know something about. And I love him. How I love him. In the way that scaling cliffs and swimming oceans to find myself loves, I love. In the way that warriors and imperfect men love, he loves. Our eyes are opened. To each other and to the future. There is nothing hidden, except the things we are yet to uncover. There is nothing removed except the pieces of my shame and his unknowing that kept us apart. And everyday is a journey to remove more of what divides and hide only what we wish to keep between the two of us. I know where I am. I know where he his. I see and am seen. He sees and is known. That is our kiss. Our kiss means this.
HAPPY BELATED VALENTINES DAY ALL!
[winner of my last giveaway is Wendy Prior!!! Congrats! Please email your address to tab[at]zaeya[dot]com ]