I said yes

WHERE I AM
I am re-writing my memoir for the third time. No, not editing. I am re-writing.  I WISH I was editing. Oh to just move around paragraphs, trim out a chapter or two, bait hooks, and tighten sentences, pacing, plot etc (yes, even memoir needs plot) 
Editing seems like the promise land, flowing with milk and honey. Don't tell me if it is not. I need a light. What I am doing is taking a huge sack of wet stuff and trying to build pyramids. Okay, it's not that dire. And I am sure I'm not the only one to travel down tunnels and then wonder if they picked one that has no light switch and never surfaces. But re-writing sucks. The words feel cloggy and I wonder who the hell wrote this thing in the first place. Where is she? And what does she have to say for herself? Of course she is past. And I am blessed to have walked passed that me and know now what I did not know then. But growth leads to re-writing. Massive rewriting.


WHY I AM HERE
On the radio yesterday I was listening to this guy talk about the things we say yes too in life and what that means for us. 
I said yes to marriage. 
It means I get to be with him in the sunshine... and when we crawl through fog.
I said yes to kids. It means I get to wipe their hands, kiss their bumps and bruises and read stories. It also means I get to listen to a toddler not having a sleep in the middle of my writing time.
And if you follow that logic through to all areas of life, it means that whatever I am doing right now, I said yes to at one point. I don't have to do anything. No one twisted my arm. 


And here's the thing. 
I said yes to writing. 
I said yes to the fun of sloshing though words and playing among sentences in the first draft. And I also said yes to the third re-write. And the forth. And then the fifth etc etc. I said yes to the editing. Yes to the frustration that comes with trying to birth something you feel is bigger than yourself. Yes to the moments I would doubt my own abilities and need to talk myself up... or down. Yes to the hard feedback and honest truths that have pruned my words and shaped my abilities. Yes to the hours and hours and hours of clicking away with no one but the keys under my fingers and the voices of 'characters' in my head. 
I said yes. 
The end. 
And also the beginning.


WHAT I AM GOING TO DO ABOUT IT
So I am honoring my choices. I need more time right now to finish this third re-write. I need focus. I need to stop crying about how hard it is and how lonely I feel. I need to remember all the times I have been my own hero and dragged myself through trenches to find me, a stronger me, pulling me up and out. And need to write the words I have, with the time I have, the best I can. And then be opened to doing it all again. 
And I am. 
Because I said yes.


So I am unplugging until the end of March to finish this draft. The draft I already said yes to. Because after this I think I will be in the Land of Editing. And then I can split my words between my memoir and this blog. Right now I am struggling with that. BIG TIME.


A huge thank you to all of you who visit me and leave such encouraging comments. Thank you. Really. You have no idea...


See you at the beginning of April, or sooner. Hopefully sooner. :)


Tab



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