For Him

Funny how we make plans for life and hope, only to be reminded of how finite our lives and hopes are anyway.

I stare at my Popo's numerous tattoos, now lost in the folds of his sallow skin, but they give nothing away. Tonight, the doctors say it could be tonight. I huddle his shrunken hands in mine and try to marry these images with the ox of a man I once knew. A truck driver and ex-British, ex-Australian solider.

But so much more.

A man with a humble family history in England and merge beginnings in Australia that are my rights to pride and a sense of value and belonging. A man who showed me how the imperfect love between him and my grandmother was perfect enough to last almost 50 years. That his daughter, my mother, Skinny Ninny as he called her, was a diamond in his twilight, as precious to him as the daughters she birthed.

Leaning close to the wispy hair coming out of my Popo's ear I whisper, "You were the first man to tell me I was beautiful." I seems important to say. In the absence of my father's adoration my grandparents have always held me in their palm like the petals of a rose. Visiting their house was like coming home to logs fires and hot chocolate. How do you say thank you for refuge from the howling winds of your childhood?

I watch my uncle stroke his skinny scalp.

"It's time Dad, it's okay to let go."

Somewhere in the quite of that moment a little girl within me came and sat at my feet. She was shaking with a longing for the Dad she never had, even if it meant she would one day loose him. She doesn't know why she's crying of course. She is just a little girl. But I know. I see her.

Remembrance Day.

Australia.

November 2008.

1: 08am

He slipped up to heaven on the patient wings of a waiting angel.

The truck lights shining on the distant hill.

You would be proud of your son. He held you hand to the end.

You would be proud of your wife. She loves you still.

This weekend we will honor the memories you left us with.

Lights on the Hill Memorial.

For truck drivers.

For you.

My fallen hero.

A man who knew what is was to love.

I will forever be grateful.

Rest in peace.

Peace in your rest.

Until we hold you again.