Friday, October 23, 2009

Dear Old Age

Dear Old Age,

I am dying to know (pardon the pun) did we make it? Did we do everything we said we would? Bucket lists, shopping lists, to-do-lists, wish lists... forget the lists, girl!
I wanted to learn that it was the living that counted.
You remembered the writing, right? Tell me you didn't forget the writing... I don't think you did. It is who we are. Did we see the book in print?
Did we did we did we did we did we...
Okay, don't answer that. I want to live the moment, whatever it may be.

What about my boys? They're amazing, right. Cyrus, my monkey man, dancing on the back table with his fire truck, singing Baa Baa Hoo Dee Haa at the top of his little voice. Remember that? Cute. Let me guess... he grew up to be.... a stunt pilot? A formula one driver... no, no ...I have it... he is the first man to spider climb up the outside of the Empire State building. I knew it!

And Isaiah.... my story telling, clover picking, sweet heart. The boy who corrects my spelling already at age six and argues bedtime and bath time and, well, any time really... He grew up to be a.... lawyer? Doctor? The next Dr. Phil? What then?
No, you are right. I already know.
He followed his heart. He's content and settled. Loved. Making a difference. Especially to those around him. The one his little brother rings from Thailand asking to borrow money to buy an elephant so he can tramp through unknown jungles. Isaiah lends the money too, I bet. Laughing. "Take photos bro. I want to see the trek."

But I have to know... how many kids did I have? Two? Did I stop at two? Two seems like enough... but then... Baby fingers. Oh, sweet little baby fingers and toes...

And Matt, how is he? We are still blissfully wed aren't we? He stayed and I stayed and no body else came between... right? That's what I want. Love. When the hands of time crease our faces, I still want that giddy roller coaster ride. Don't you forget that. Don;t get stuck on the damn carousel. Can't stand the carousel. Same ole same ole. Round and around. We didn't let our selves get stuck on the carousel, did we? That's not Matt and I. Maybe we found a certain quietness, but not boring... don't you dare be boring!

And about that girl.. the one I ache for and miss. Did we find each other? Did I get to tell her that her name means sister. That I never forgot. That I held her close... that she is loved and we belong together...

Old age don't forget that I wanted to number my days and live each second. Each maddening change of wind, each beat of a butterfly's wing... I want to be there. Fully present. Known to those who love me and seen by those who care. You still live with passion, right? And even when your body can no longer fight, you don't lose the spirit that held you together through all that darkness. Don't you ever lose that girl. I wont be pleased and I'll have to come whoop your ass...

Lastly, tell me about Happy? Did we get there in the end? Was the road long? Too long? It wasn't all for nothing was it...? I did eventually stop beating me up, right? Tell me I don't do that anymore. Tell me I looked in the mirror and discovered who she was. You tell her she is beautiful now, don't you? Please oh please...
Never forget who she is... even now, when the lines are deep around your eyes, remember life the way only age and wisdom can.
Be you. Be free enough to be you. I know I will love you for it.

Kiss the stars when you get to heaven. Your babies will be watching the skies. Just like they do now. "Tell us Mummy, what lives up there?"
Remember what you said?
"Dreams. Dreams live up there. And in here too." And you pointed to their hearts.

Never forget, girl. I know they didn't.

Love Tab
(the oh so much younger than you Tab at just 32! Sorry Old Age, but remember how Sassy you used to be too. And don't loose that either! Don't go all Jane Austin on me, ya hear? )

What about you? What would you like to tell yourself in Old Age if you could go there and come back here and live towards that moment?


  1. Tabitha your breath taking words are resilient!

    I want to ask Old Age if my dream came true, if my books are on the shelves? Do my children know the Lord, are they following Him, loving Him?

    How about my sexy man? Is he alright, does he ache for me like I ache for him. Did we travel and explore the world like he always wanted?

    *Phew* Sweet peace.

  2. Oh, my, You're making me dig deep here and really think. What I hope I wouldn't want to tell myself is that I waisted my time and was an idiot. So I guess I better work on not deserving those words. Thanks for the push!

  3. THat is awesome Tab.. I wouldn't have a clue where I will be in old age but I hope I am strong and loved by my children..

  4. Beautiful. Haunting. Inspiring!

    YAY TAB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. LOve it! Old age.... I think about it too. What my kids will, if I'll still be married... I love your line about where dreams live. :-)

  6. This brought tears to my eyes. It's beautiful. So many hopes, dreams, wishes, so much joy ~ that is wanted and believed it. In this ~ the meaning of life, what we're here for, can be found. Simple joy. Beautiful post!

  7. Tamika, glad you found space to say all that :) and I agree with your words.

    Eileen- no problems :)

    Shell- you will be girl, you will be :)

    Suzanne- why thank ya!

    Jess- thank you. :)

  8. Hmmm. Hauntingly beautiful, Tab. But ahh, gee whiz, gosh,I bet I'm the "grandma" on this blog of yours. Is 60 considered "old age?" It doesn't feel like it.
    But the questions you are asking old age are ones I've thought about a lot. And for me, when I get there, I don't want to have regrets. So I try to live my life as best as I can and do the things that my heart and soul whisper to do. Some of those dreams have already come true and I haven't reached "old" yet. I've gotten to "Happy." At least happy moments, which is all I think we can expect. Life does happen, after all.

  9. Thank you Aleta, and thanks for visiting the blog.

    Karen, LOL. NO, 60 is NOT old. That is waaaaaaaay young. WAY!
    Thans for your input. Yep, life happens. still holding out hope of moving to Happy though. I have heard it can be done.

  10. Beautiful.

    I'd probably say something about friendships who have passed the test of time. And a relationship with God that will soon reach the moment I crave: seeing Him face to face.

  11. This was a wonderful treat...I got chills, very good writing.

    I'm still lost in your words to think of my own.

    much love

  12. Tears in my eyes Tabitha-- I think you make me cry at least once a week.

    I'd ask if I'd been happy and fulfilled (And the answer had better be yes!)

  13. Oh gosh your posts are truly magical. I love your spirit of wonder, don't ever lose that! Your boys sound like heaven already and your husband like a wonderful true love. How richly blessed you are! Thank you for blessing us in return. =)

  14. Beautiful post,you always give me something to think about :)

  15. Very clever, this conversation with the old you. And the photo makes me feel so peaceful!

  16. I really loved this post. How beautiful and moving. Life can be scary because we all know that it will end one day, but you've included all the good things (love, family, friendship, hope) and wrapped them up in one package: memories to be made.

  17. I teared up reading this. It's a piece that makes you smile as you read, then when you finish, all goes quiet and you think about your own life.

    Wonderful. Wonderful.

    Straight From Hel

  18. Hey old age, did something I do make a difference?

  19. Oh Tabitha, I don't know if it was the rainy day, your profound words, or both, that made me sob. You, definitely, pulled a chord in my heart with this one; something that was apparently dormant. I want to do so much with my life and most times feel I will never accomplish it before Old Age comes around the corner. Thank you so much for this post.

  20. It all goes by fast. That's what I would tell my younger self. It's like that Calvin Klein commercial where the beautiful man and woman are playing on the beach with their gorgeous children and a voice whispers, "These are the days..."

    "Right here, right now, these are the days. Hold on to them." That's what I'd tell my younger self.

    This post is one of my favorites of yours. So very moving, really got my wheels turning!

  21. Thanks for the comments guys. I didn't mean to make you all cry :) But I am glad I moved you. One thing I don't want my writing to be and that is neutral.

    Elizabeth- Thank you. Yes, I relate to all of that.

    Ellie- my pleasure and I know what you mean about feeling like ther eis so much you want to do.

    Liza- oh I forgot to ask that one... good question.

    T. Anne- I will try not to. Life hasn't knocked it out of me so far :)

    Natalie- really? Sorry:)) But glad that I move you in some way :)

    Kristen- thanks. I am still looking for that kind of friendship that will last the test of time and not leave when the going gets tough. I hope to have found it by old age.
    Helen, thank you.

  22. What a lovely and inspiring post! Great reminder to live in the moment and to look forward to the future.

  23. This is very Emily Starr of you (are you an LM Montgomery fan?).


  24. Amazing writing. I want to know more about the girl whose name means sister. As someone much closer to the persona you wrote to, I want to find joy in every moment I have left, and to spend my relationships in as much light as is bearable.

  25. Good reading.

    I'd tell myself, "Remember, live so you'll have no regrets."

  26. Tabitha,
    This one took my breath away and loosened the tears "chinward". :-) Like Karen, I am a bit older and (I wish) wiser than in my 20's and 30's, but now worry about not getting to do everything I set out to do. Your words really caused me to focus on what would be the most important.
    I think I would:
    - definitely hope my kids were still living in a way that made God proud.

    -know and relate to my husband he is and will always be my only one. A love for all times.

    -caution myself to stop avoiding things out of fear, especially fear of failure, just try and go for it. Time is so very short- just try!

    Thanks for this wonderful insight!

  27. Do you have a secret passageway to my tear nozzle? What is it with your words and my emotions? How do you succeed...every. single. time. in making me teary?

    This was such a pleasure to read.

    What would I say to old age? you have me thinking. I would definitely ask how many kids I had, if my dreams came true, if I experienced each day instead of lived through it. So much more, though! So much more.

    Have a great weekend, Tab!

  28. Its wonderfully put, i mean elegance is above all man really really cool, some emotions are hard to put in words but you have put it really well

    take care and keep writing............

  29. What a wonderful post, Tabitha! I plan to consider this long after I close my computer. Thanks for making me think! (Beautifully written, too!)

  30. I love the way you face all the things we need to- but mostly shy away from. At the same time, your writing has such a poetic, light touch. With my girls growing up and one now flitting here and there and talking about going to college thousands of miles away - most of my questions are about her right now. She's so driven and intense and it's never clear to me any more what to tell her. I know I will have to let go more than I want to soon. I just want her to be safe and know how to be happy :)

  31. If I can stop one heart from breaking,
    I shall not live in vain;
    If I can ease one life the aching,
    Or cool one pain,
    Or help one fainting robin
    Unto his nest again,
    I shall not live in vain.


  32. Ross, I love that quote. thank you :)

    Margo, thank you. I share those dreams for my babies too.

    Thousif, thanks for visiting. :)

    heather, my pleasure.

  33. I would only listen. I just hope the old me has something to say.

  34. Wow, Tabitha you're a deep woman. You got all philosophical on me with this one :) Now I'm pondering, what will I tell myself in old age. As always great food for thought.