Dear Old Age,
I am dying to know (pardon the pun) did we make it? Did we do everything we said we would? Bucket lists, shopping lists, to-do-lists, wish lists... forget the lists, girl!
I wanted to learn that it was the living that counted.
You remembered the writing, right? Tell me you didn't forget the writing... I don't think you did. It is who we are. Did we see the book in print?
Did we did we did we did we did we...
Okay, don't answer that. I want to live the moment, whatever it may be.
What about my boys? They're amazing, right. Cyrus, my monkey man, dancing on the back table with his fire truck, singing Baa Baa Hoo Dee Haa at the top of his little voice. Remember that? Cute. Let me guess... he grew up to be.... a stunt pilot? A formula one driver... no, no ...I have it... he is the first man to spider climb up the outside of the Empire State building. I knew it!
And Isaiah.... my story telling, clover picking, sweet heart. The boy who corrects my spelling already at age six and argues bedtime and bath time and, well, any time really... He grew up to be a.... lawyer? Doctor? The next Dr. Phil? What then?
No, you are right. I already know.
He followed his heart. He's content and settled. Loved. Making a difference. Especially to those around him. The one his little brother rings from Thailand asking to borrow money to buy an elephant so he can tramp through unknown jungles. Isaiah lends the money too, I bet. Laughing. "Take photos bro. I want to see the trek."
But I have to know... how many kids did I have? Two? Did I stop at two? Two seems like enough... but then... Baby fingers. Oh, sweet little baby fingers and toes...
And Matt, how is he? We are still blissfully wed aren't we? He stayed and I stayed and no body else came between... right? That's what I want. Love. When the hands of time crease our faces, I still want that giddy roller coaster ride. Don't you forget that. Don;t get stuck on the damn carousel. Can't stand the carousel. Same ole same ole. Round and around. We didn't let our selves get stuck on the carousel, did we? That's not Matt and I. Maybe we found a certain quietness, but not boring... don't you dare be boring!
And about that girl.. the one I ache for and miss. Did we find each other? Did I get to tell her that her name means sister. That I never forgot. That I held her close... that she is loved and we belong together...
Old age don't forget that I wanted to number my days and live each second. Each maddening change of wind, each beat of a butterfly's wing... I want to be there. Fully present. Known to those who love me and seen by those who care. You still live with passion, right? And even when your body can no longer fight, you don't lose the spirit that held you together through all that darkness. Don't you ever lose that girl. I wont be pleased and I'll have to come whoop your ass...
Lastly, tell me about Happy? Did we get there in the end? Was the road long? Too long? It wasn't all for nothing was it...? I did eventually stop beating me up, right? Tell me I don't do that anymore. Tell me I looked in the mirror and discovered who she was. You tell her she is beautiful now, don't you? Please oh please...
Never forget who she is... even now, when the lines are deep around your eyes, remember life the way only age and wisdom can.
Be you. Be free enough to be you. I know I will love you for it.
Kiss the stars when you get to heaven. Your babies will be watching the skies. Just like they do now. "Tell us Mummy, what lives up there?"
Remember what you said?
"Dreams. Dreams live up there. And in here too." And you pointed to their hearts.
Never forget, girl. I know they didn't.
(the oh so much younger than you Tab at just 32! Sorry Old Age, but remember how Sassy you used to be too. And don't loose that either! Don't go all Jane Austin on me, ya hear? )
What about you? What would you like to tell yourself in Old Age if you could go there and come back here and live towards that moment?