Friday, November 18, 2011

One more



There we were. The four of us. Two boys, my miracles and my husband, also a miracle.

Life is never perfect, but sometimes it reaches that balancing point where you swear that if you could only hold your breathe forever the winds would never change. That was it for us. Our tea cosy moment.
And then.

My husband and I got a phone call. The kind of call appropriate for the lateness of night. The kind of call that made us exhale and the winds around us changed.

My mother was on the other end of the line. Sobbing. The Department of Children's Services had rung her to tell her she was a grandmother again. They'd been looking for family. My younger sister had a baby many months ago and did we want to leave him in Foster Care or think about offering him a home. There was no one else. No other family. No father. And his mother, my sister, left him.
You have to know that my sister wanted him. She did. I know that the way only a sister can. But my sister has a severe mental illness and hasn't been able to maintain any sort of support network or medication schedule.
My mother said she'd take the baby, but only if we couldn't. She's getting older. We already have a family. Boys. Wouldn't that be best? What did we think?

What did we think?
I didn't think.
I felt.

I felt everything. The waves of every sadness my family has ever known swelled up around me, their wet hands pulling and pushing.
I felt for those little girls. They way they played dollies. Pretended to be mummies. Dressed up in heels and pushed their prams around. Where were they?
They were gone.
They grew up. Barely. One surviving the trauma of their childhood, the other one swallowed whole by it.

She had a baby. My sister had a baby. For days I couldn't make that thought be real. I haven't seen her in nearly two years.
And I wanted to see her. Oh how I wanted to see her. And hold her and tell her the sorts of things that every big sister should say. That everything will be okay. Because of course we will take your baby, my sweet sweet sister.
I don't need to think about that question.
I only need to feel.

My husband and I began the process of have this little one come and live in our family and we are hoping the baby will join us early in the new year. We had no baby things. Our youngest is four and we gave everything away. But people have been good and so much has already been given to us.

Our two boys are excited. Another play mate.
My husband is busy finishing renovations to meet home safety standards to have the baby come and live with us.
And I am preparing mother another little one. Sometimes I am scared by the thought of raising three children under eight years. Then I remember not to think. Just feel.
Life isn't asking about my ability, only my availability.

To my dear sister, we are available.
X


(thank you to everyone who has already given your best wishes, thoughts and prayers. They matter)

41 comments:

  1. That is really beautiful Tabitha. Thank you for sharing. May you know God's abundant provision and share in many joys as you take this little blessing into your home. Congratulations on opening your heart and home to all that God is giving you.

    Annie B

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  2. You've always been a hero in my eyes, Tab, and you're even more of one now. I'm in awe of you. xxx

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  3. Tabitha, your writing about this is so lovely. All my best to you as you and your family start this new adventure.

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  4. This is beautiful...wonderful, miracle..it is miracle to have a baby again!
    Just saw your blog name and clicked...talented writing

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  5. I loved reading this and seeing you make the decision you did! Wonderful!! You will be hugely blessed!

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  6. Sending you and Matt and the boys many blessings and virtual hugs. I think that little baby girl a very lucky to be having you for a mum, Tab. And I do hope you find your sister one day.
    Love,
    Karen

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  7. Isn't life interesting and just fabulous sometimes?

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  8. I caught my breath when You wrote my thoughts to a very letter. Surviving trauma while my sister was swallowed whole by it, and her abandoned children were born healthy and transferred through the adoption process of strangers, I long to see her again one day too.
    Thank you for stepping out and reaching depths of love far beyond all that you will see until the years keep floating by. This child will have life.love.strength. Blessings to you & yours!

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  9. Wow, what a gift you've been given. A new chapter in your life.

    I hope things work out well for all of you.

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  10. You are amazing!!! This post was beautiful.

    I just heard a line in a song - we are all only one phone call from our knees.....

    Blessed So and So

    www.aeverydayblessedsoandso.blogspot.com

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  11. Wow Tab... You are such a blessing to your family.

    I am clearing out baby stuff. Feel free to email me a list of needs and I'll send over anything that can fill a gap for you. xx

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  12. Chaisleigh SouthworthNovember 18, 2011 at 2:54 PM

    You are an amazing woman! My prayers are with your family as you move into this new chapter with your family. - Chaisleigh

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  13. This is so wonderful! Sad and wonderful at the same time. God bless you and yours.

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  14. I'm not surprised that you're doing this. Over time reading your posts, I've seen that your heart is huge. How beautiful that this child can step into the arms of your family. He is no longer lost but found.

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  15. I'm sure my sister will be a great inspiration for you - similar story to how their little girl joined their family xxx

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  16. Oh my. This made me cry, for all sorts of reasons. Bless you and your family for taking your nephew in, and best of luck.

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  17. Many prayers for you and your new family member. And for your sister.

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  18. It's so good of you to take in the child. I understand what you mean about feeling and going with that. I hope everything works out well for all your family.

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  19. Such a wonderful thing you are doing. I know you will never regret this decision because, as you said, "I only need to feel." We must follow the way of our hearts.

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  20. God's heart is always open as is yours.
    His love will fill it...

    a beautiful post... will pray for your dear sister; I understand the love

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  21. What a kind and generous heart you have. Blessings and love to you from across the ocean. May you have many happy family moments together.

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  22. Bless your heart Tabitha. What is family for if not to help when help is needed? Particularly in the case of an innocent baby who did not ask to come into this world.

    May your lives be showered with the laughter of three children in your home and in your hearts.

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  23. This will bring you much joy I'm sure.

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  24. You are obviously an angel in disguise. This little child will grow to be a loved & cared for person because of your family. And that is a beautiful thing.

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  25. Hi Tab,
    I was very moved by your heart-felt story.
    Congratulations to you, the new mother-to be :)

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  26. nice post! thanks for sharing...blessings soraya

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  27. Wow, Tab. It's been a while since I was here, and this is such amazing news. That little girl is so lucky that you'll be her new family, and I know she'll bring gifts to your lives you can't even imagine right now. Sending love and light and prayers to you all.

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  28. Tabitha, you always make me cry (in a good way).
    Prayers. Love.

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  29. I am only reading this now (March) and hoping that you have your new little person and that she brings your whole family joy. You are a wonderful and loving sister.

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  30. This post made me feel as well. Thank you. I look forward to more news of your new daughter and if/when you see your sister.

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  40. Hi Tabitha - haven't been by in a long time but wow when I come here! This is wonderful news. A new baby for your family that needs you big time. I work these days for an aboriginal treatment centre - we are all about making sure children get the family they deserve - that families get their children back if they can (so many here are in care) or that children stay with extended families. You are doing a good and righteous thing that will be probably both difficult and joyous both (as is all parenting). Good Pluck to you and your family.

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