Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Do I matter?





This morning I woke with billions of others and breathed in the air they breathed out. My eyes opened at the same time yours did. I stood. You stood. They stood with the masses. Alone in my room, I hung my head.
Do I matter? I wondered out loud to the walls and millions echoed my question.

As I dressed and ate and went through my morning trillions of people passed by my window. They trawled through their day just as I trawled through mine.  We ate. We slept. We loved and lost and cried out. We died and we were born. Another soul. An endless sky of humanity. And all of us, every single one, were thinking the same thoughts that ticker-taped through mind.
Do I matter? I wondered out loud to the walls, and millions echoed my question.

The trouble is not that I only see me in the mirror. The trouble is that I see you, and you and you and you and... Where do I end? Where do you begin?  And as I stared into that mirror I further blurred that line of distinction.
Do I matter? I wondered and millions echoed my question.

I am afraid. As you are afraid. As they are. As we are. That I am not here for anything more than the space I occupy. That when the numbers are counted I won't have added to the sum. That nothing within me matters so much that I am the only one who could share it. Mothers wonder if their mothering matters. Career people if the jobs make a difference. Leaders wonder about there leadership. Followers about their following. Artists wonder about their creations, singers about their songs. And as a writer my question scared me senseless. Do my words matter? Will it ever matter?

Do. I. Matter? I wondered and millions echoes my question.

Today in my guttered silence I asked again,  and though it was only a lowly whisper, He heard.
This I know for sure. He is the One who has numbered the hairs on my head. We number many things. Who numbers hairs? He is the One who watched over my unformed being as I was knitted together in my mother's womb. Who has such vision?
And this is what my heart heard. "I think of you constantly. Though I hung the stars and turn the planets, I think of you. Though I set the foundations of the outer rings of this universe in place. I think of you.  You are mine. You matter. Do you hear me, child? You matter.  My thoughts towards you are greater than the sands on every beach. You are created for a purpose and day. An appointed hour and a time. A life and a living. Before all time, I thought of you. And my plans for you are perfect."
And I knew. Deep in that Little Girl place that cried out. I knew.

"Do you matter?" you asked. And millions echoed your question.

What about you? How do you answer that question? Do you matter? How do you know?

44 comments:

  1. Wen, you matter. I know it like I know I matter. And you matter to more than just me :) Hugs.

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  2. Wow, what a powerful post. And that picture, where on earth is there a highway with ten lanes going one way?!?

    I think I am blessed in this way: I genuinely feel that I am the only one, out of all the six billion, or however many people there are, who can write what I write. So yes, I believe that what i DO matters. But that's not the same as who i AM. Not quite. I also believe in my soul that being a Mom matters.

    But I also grew up being told every day of my life that I was flawed and disappointing and there was something obviously wrong with me that made me bad. Even today, if I'm tired or stressed or a certain person decides to stick me, I can get right back to feeling less-than, worthless, unlovable, and bleak. And then I want to jump in front of a train.

    A part of your post reminded me of a song by David Mullen that has got me through sometimes. It goes "long before these foundations were laid, you were loved, child, don't give up, child." And, while I am turned off by religion, things have happened in my life that make me know that for whatever reason, God cares about me, this speck on the earth. Sometimes I feel like a rubber band, pulled between killing depression on one side, and Something that loves me on the other.

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  3. I answer that question by pondering scriptures, which I hold as the true Word of God.

    Psalm 139: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

    The God who has You. standing on a giant orb which spins at the rate of 61,000 through trillions of miles of space made YOU.

    Then read Jeremiah 1:5-8 and weep with joy for the tenderness of the surpreme I-Am toward YOU.

    We are studying/reading/absorbing "Crazy Love," a book by Francis Chan. A life-changing read!

    May God's crazy love for you be accepted by your head, your heart, your soul.

    Love you in Normal.
    Patti

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  4. Shay, you are beautiful. You know that? :)
    Thank you for that comment. Love that song too.

    Thank you Patti. I do the same. And He finds me everywhere I am and says the same thing, "YOu matter, child you matter." I am still asking though, because I need to hear it over and over and over. I have a lot of years of not hearing it to fill in. God gets that about me. He is happy to tell me over and over until my little heart can fully know.

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  5. I am so glad He cares for me and I matter solely to Him! :O)

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  6. this post is quite profound. Humans constantly ask ourselves do I matter? Its hard to feel like you do when you are inhabiting this earth with 6 billion other people. But you do, everyone does.

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  7. I agree Diane and Girlinbetween. Very true.

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  8. A wonderful post. Very eloquent and moving.

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  9. I matter to me and I have an obligation to be the best I can be not only for myself but for my family and friends and I suppose the people who hurt me, I don't have to come down to their level, If at the end of each day I can look into the mirror and say"Yvonne, you've done your best" then that's what matters to me.

    Very interesting read.
    Yvonne.

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  10. Of course you matter, Tabitha. The very fact that you are asking such profound questions means you are in touch with the collective consciousness, which means the greatness that the Universe is collectively capable of is in you, or should I say, IS YOU.
    And even if you were not asking the questions, you would still matter- it is just that, since you are asking the questions, you are closer to understanding just how much you matter.

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  11. I agree Yvonne. We should matter to ourselves. Our friends and family will only benefit.

    Thanks Helen.

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  12. Excellent post starting with that picture--the way you wrote this made me feel like I had shrunk into the masses and then you brought me out with the reminder that I do matter to God no matter how many millions of people there are. Great job! And yes, my words matter to someone--I had a person tell me that just yesterday:)

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  13. I love the way you write.

    Yes. I'm believing toward it. I'm living for it. I matter. You matter. We all do.
    ~ Wendy

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  14. Hi Tabitha, if you click on Alex C Cavanaugh, it should bring you on to his blog site. Further down the blog site is the trailer of his book.
    His name you click on is the second time it appears on the page. hope this explains it.

    Yvonne.

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  15. Great post Tabitha! I am reminded of an Og Mandino book called "The Greatest Miracle in the World." We all matter and the secret of why we matter is whispered to us at birth, we just tend to forget now and again.

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  16. When I have those thoughts I just tell myself that God put me on earth for a purpose, so I must matter somehow. I may not see it, but He does. :)

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  17. I have only recently come to understand that I matter. Just because. Not because of my words or my actions. But because I am. Tab, you are one of the folks I've met blogging that matter so much. The way you put words together is like no one else on the planet. And they speak to me in so many ways.
    Karen

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  18. We all matter. Ask you kids, your husband, the ant that you stepped on this morning. We all make some kind of difference. We just do.

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  19. Tabitha, this is something that I needed to be reminded of! I believe it in my head that Father thinks of me and adores me and cares for me yet sometimes my heart has a hard time accepting that. Thank you sweet friend for this gorgeous post reminding me of Father's great love!

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  20. You captured it. And yes, I do matter--to Him--and to the world!

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  21. I feel the answer to that in the still, small voice of God. He says it in a hundred ways...a sticky kiss from a boy, a word of encouragement from my husband, a certain verse or chapter that speaks just what I needed to hear. Those are just a few.

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  22. From my viewpoint I seem bigger than I am in the scope of the world, but that's what matters most in my world. I think you captured the real essence of it all in your lovely post. If we don't have a relationship with the One who put us here it's easy to feel lost and insignificant.

    Lee
    Tossing It Out

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  23. I think this is something that every human being struggles with at some point in their existence. Let me be the one to give you a firm answer, yes! absolutely you matter. Nobody else can be you or d the things you need to do. You have a special assignment and it's your time to fulfill it. =)

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  24. "I don't wanna go through the motions
    I don't wanna go one more day
    without Your all consuming passion inside of me
    I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
    "What if I had given everything,
    instead of going through the motions?" - Matthew West

    I remember writing such similar sentiments...feeling as if anything I did was just a drop in the bucket. And yet...drop by drop it does fill.

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  25. Powerful post paired with the pic (that sounds/writes like a tongue twister, don't it?).

    Yes, we all matter, but there are times we question, doubt, stand alone on the edge of the abyss, threatened by it all.

    I believe in a God, a Heavenly Father who knows each of us, who knows the numbers of hairs on our head, our dreams, angst, dread. Call The Divine who you will, but He exists. And some days, just knowing that, feeling that, makes everything else OK.

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  26. PS: Where is that road/highway at? Is it real or photoshopped??? Yikes, I'd hate to get stuck on a road like that one!

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  27. A very profound and moving post. We all matter to God who is the only One who knows everything about us and yet still loves us..:)

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  28. Beautiful! I matter to the One who matters most. And I love it :)

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  29. This is such a beautiful post. Yes, we matter. You. Me. Everyone. God made each one of us individually. He has known each one of us from the beginning of time. And He loves each one of us with a love that will never end.

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  30. What a beautiful, powerful, inspiring post! Thanks for the reminder. Even on the days that are the hardest, I thank God and remember that I do matter, and I am important, as hard as it is to believe sometimes.

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  31. Lovely post. It's something I struggle with from time-to-time, and something my main female character is struggling with in her life.

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  32. You, me this,that....What matters!!
    Before we think of going to live on Mars we will have this essential question to ask....
    'Do i matter'.

    We ought to inquire especially at school where we lay the foundations of tommorow....

    i m sure it will revolution our world into total transformation when we can honestly answer 'what matters'....
    Even if we won't have answers to everything
    The soliditary, our common responsibilities will guide us...because 'everything matters....we are the part of the whole.'
    We can thus become better caretakers!

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  33. Oh wow. I feel like this all the time, and I always come up with the same feelings at the end - I DO matter. Every single person matters. This is part of who I and what I believe. It's the basis of the religion I belong to.

    *HUGS*

    Never ever doubt that you matter!

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  34. Thanks for all the comments guys. I am so glad that many of you have really great answers to the question 'Do I matter?' I guess I wrote this post for me, to remind me, that indeed I do matter. I wasn't going to post it, and then I wondered if anyone else needed a reminder. So if that was you, hugs, and I hope you found an answer in you own life that speaks to your heart :)

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  35. That is one scary picture!

    Do I matter? How do I answer that question? I answer it by what I do during the day.

    Thoughtful post!

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  36. Tabitha, I just love your thought processes, and your style of sharing, your writing. Thank you for being you. You matter.

    We all matter to someone.

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  37. We all matter. We don't need to be superstar's with our names in light for others to realize this. I think sometimes we matter just for putting a smile on someone's face for a brief moment. That may be all they need to get through the rest of their day. I know someone just holding a door or making a nice comment has perked up some of my days.

    We all matter. We just don't always get to see who we mattered most to each day.

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  38. What a beautiful and poetic post, Tabitha! I absolutely adored it! Of course you matter, I matter, and we all matter. Why else would we be put on this Earth if we didn't matter?

    How do I know I matter? What would my friends be if they didn't have me? What would I be without my friends or family? There's a thin line, a connection of sorts, that binds us all together. We all matter to each other. If one of us falls, we all feel the vibrations. So, we all matter in someone's eyes. Don't ever question it!

    Write on!

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  39. You're not here by mistake, you're here for a purpose.

    You may not see that purpose just yet, but trust me one day you will :)

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  40. Oh, I ask this question. I ask this question every day, and cry every other day. I really stare at the TV and think of all those people who are KNOWN, and I ask, 'Do they matter more?' And I look at people who seem to have what they want in life and I ask, 'Do THEY matter more?' I'm not going to end this with a positive 'But then...' b/c that wouldn't be true. I just ask. And sometimes I cry.

    I do believe in God, but I am too earthly about this question.

    Michele
    SouthernCityMysteries

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  41. I ask this question too, all the time. I found this beautiful post by googling.. "Do I matter?". I wanted to hear what others came to, deep down in the heart of hearts.

    For me, I care about the world and all its people so, so much. I have always felt that they mattered, without a doubt, just because. I always felt that by treating each other better, helping to bring joy and love and growth and opportunity that we could bring that much more meaning to all of our lives.

    But without realizing it.. I had always considered myself the exception to that rule. That everyone mattered, was unique, was loveable, was talented, was deserving, was memorable.. but me.

    Here I am in in my first year of university, wondering if I matter. If what I will do one day matters. I also grew up hearing about how flawed, disappointing, angering and hopeless I was. I spent my younger years trying to be invisible, the least of a burden that I could be. I am trying to change those beliefs, and the fear they bring with them, at the very core.. and it is the hardest thing I've had to do yet. I can't thank you enough for these posts, and these comments.. because I know now that in the hearts of perfect strangers, I mean something important, and in mine.. they do too.

    I am crying tears of joy. Thank you so much.

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  42. Dear Anon,
    I wish you had left a link so I could go visit your site or where ever you hail from and tell you how your comment mattered to me today. thank you for your words. They have blessed me. I am currently in the middle of a difficult and hopefully final rewrite of my memoir. And there are still days where I wonder if all the struggle to write, all the energy I give to my words and my craft, I wonder... does it really matter? Will it matter to someone other than me? And today you helped answer that question again for me. You said, "Yes." And I thank you. I guess we all need to see from time to time that what we are doing and who we are is important to someone other than ourselves.
    I hope wherever you are today and whatever you are doing that you know deeply how much you do matter. that you have indeed been put on this earth for a season and a purpose and that you are special and unique in amazing ways that only you can be.

    Thank you for visiting today.
    Hugs and best wishes for your future. never give up.
    X
    Tab

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  43. After I initially commented I seem to have clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now every time a comment is added I receive 4 emails with the same comment.
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