Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The Land of Two Year Old

I would like to introduce you to The Two Year Old.
Of course that is the common name for this species of human (yes, they are their own species) 
The scientific name is 'messandloudnomachineites' pronounced 'mess-and-loud-no-machine-eites'

These creatures are well adapted to live in their surrounds.  In fact they believe they are the 'centre' of their surrounds and become 'distressed' if given evidence to the contrary... like, for example, if called upon to share. This is an unknown concept in the mind of a Two Year Old and will produce banshee like screeches of "Mine! Mine! Miiiiiiiine!" 

Calls of  "bath time" or "dinner time" when The Two Year Old is clearly not ready to be washed or fed will result in displays of thrashing and wailing accompanied by the wild call of "Nooooooo!" 
A word they all speak very well.
"Please" and "Thank you" on the other hand... 

However this is not entirely their own fault. This species has only developed a radar for 'Me' 'Mine' and 'All-About-Me'. It is up to The Parent Body to expand these horizons... and the expansion is not often welcomed.

Other unique adaptations to their environment include the ability to eat anything... paint, glue, dirt, the dog... Unless of course The Parent Body spent any sort of time preparing a meal. The more time spent, the less likely eating will occur. Yet somehow The Two Year Old manages to sustain enough sustenance to wake the living dead if a toy is taken from them, a sibling looks at them the wrong way, or someone is on the phone and not paying attention... to them. They have an untapped capacity for screaming and crying, which may or may not be off set by The Cute Factor and their irresistible giggles.  Big eyes and dimples also help this species from being wiped out :)

They are easy to get along with... as long as your lipstick, the toilet roll, your computer, the TV remote and Big Brother's pens are not out of bounds. If these things are not made available on demand (or when The Parent's back is turned) then refer to thrashing and wailing mentioned above.

The Two Year Old doesn't ask for much. Just your time (preferably when you are busy) and attention (especially if you thought you get a nap in). And in return they provide... um... oh yes, that's right... sweet moments of cuddles and kisses and innocent "I love you" comments that can get you through an entire week of soiled pants and drawn on carpets. Well... maybe a couple of days then?

Scientist have yet to discover what makes this cute, alluring species so darn contrary, and have not yet provided The Parent Body with hard and fast rules for successful Two Year Old cohabitation.
The Parent Body long since stopped looking for answers to the puzzling behavior... due to the fact that they are now in search of their sanity... or the toilet roll... which ever... probably both.

Many households that have produced The Two Year Old are wondering one of three things; Why is the dog cowering under the chair? What happened to my free time? and How do I mold this Two Year Old into something resembling an 'Adult-I-can-Stand-to-Be-Around? 

Scientist merely scratch their head and leave the answering of such profound questions up to the Child Experts... you know the ones? The people with no children.

Parents of The Two Year old are easy to spot. They are the grey haired, slightly balding, saggy eyed people sitting in the corner shaking, rocking back and forth and repeating the phrase, "What do I do?" "What do I do?"

Siblings of the Two Year Old are also easy to identify. They have nailed their possessions to the wall and resorted to cowering under the chair with the dog for some peace and quiet.

Of course the most attractive feature of The Two Year old is that they cannot possibly stay two forever... sorry, no... it is their ability to love freely, with open pudgy arms and a smoochy sticky kiss.

Beware: Once in your heart, forever in your heart.
Love wisely and fully.
Love freely. (Add your pudgy arms and sticky kiss at own discretion)
And lastly remember, The Two Year Old is always sweet... when asleep. :)

The sun will rise tomorrow... on another day of trial and error in the Land of Two Year Old.

In the words of Star Wars... may the force be with you.


[Can you tell I am wondering where my own sanity went? ... and I haven't seen our dog in a while.]


  1. This was so funny, Tabitha, and so identifiable. I remember being that childless adult who knew it all and could not understand why parents couldn't keep their two year olds under control. I remember being the sleep deprived, emotionally wrecked parent of two year olds. And I can tell you they do indeed grow up to be beautiful, generous, loving adults. Hang in there.

    Straight From Hel

  2. lol...very funny! I love 2 year olds. In my family, the 2's were great years. It was when they hit 3 that things went haywire. :)

  3. Haahaaaa! Oh my gosh, I'm cracking up because I have a two year old and you should've heard the screaming last night at dinner time. He did NOT want to eat. Finally, I stuck him in his room and told him he could come out when he wanted to eat. Less than a minute later he comes out, happy, with a smile. He sat at the table and ate. LOL He's also on a high-pitched screaming kick plus a no-poopyhead kick.
    Fun stuff, trying to mold this species, eh?

    Extremely cute post!

  4. I don't know... One easily forgets those moments... But I remember I expected him to grow older soon, I wonder why... Now he is seven and Cannot sleep alone... Spoilt child, will have to go to a psychologist his mother Oh mY!!!

  5. this is what I have to look forward to, ay, Tab? Brogan's 9 months shy of two and alrady doing some of these things!

  6. oh my gosh. What a great age. I enjoy so much more now that mine aren't in it. When I'm at my sister's I just love watching her little kids taking control of their lives with both fists and then throwing themselves into your lap five minutes later when things don't go as well as they wanted. It is such an amazing age.
    Thanks for sharing!

  7. Hah!! You nailed the description of a two year old!! I have pictures of the lipstick discovery. And one of mine even discovered Daddy's shavor one time--that was a tad scary!!

  8. Rofl. Oh how well I remember those days. It's quite a few years later now, but those years stick in your mind, oddly enough.

  9. Yep, that's my child in a nutshell! A raving banshee that has stolen my heart.

  10. Did I mention how adorable she is- when sleeping!

  11. Oh my word, this is hilarious and so crazy true, every bit of it--and for me, even the drawn on carpets. I'm fairly certain that you deserve a Nobel for this discovery. It's spot on.

  12. lol!! Oh, dear, what I have to look forward to in a few months.

  13. BWAhahahahahaha!!!!

    Serious Girl is actually quite good about her please-and-thank-yous, but she has NOT grasped the concept of "stop making your stuffed turtle talk to me just for 30 seconds oh please so I can hear myself think..."

  14. Oh,fun times! Hang in there Tab, the years pass all too quickly.

  15. Funny. Gotta write it out. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the sweet! Peace, Mary - who once had a PAIR of two-year-olds.

  16. So funny. So accurate. Brought back memories of the phrase that chilled me to the bone: "My do Mommy!" (Even when she couldn't!)

  17. I have a two-year-old too, and I must say, you've captured my feelings perfectly. My two year old is also always sweet--when he's asleep. :)

  18. Ha! This is awesome! Thanks for the laugh!

  19. Always sweet when asleep - so true!!! All if this is so true and fun. I have an award for you at my blog.

  20. I have to say that I don't miss those days. They are cute at that age, but boy, they are a lot of work.

  21. Oh, this brought me back 34 years to when mine was two. Wow. That's a scary thought. Too funny, Tab. All I can say is, enjoy the time cause it goes by very quickly.

  22. Oh my gosh, that is so stinkin' cute! And accurate. LOL!

  23. Child Experts... you know the ones? The people with no children.


  24. Very funny! I don't have children, but I have six nieces and nephews. This is a very VERY accurate description.

    May the force be with YOU :)


  25. Great analysis of that age. My granddsughter will be there in a few months, but my how those months fly--how those years fly. I can barely remember when my own kids were that age-- at least I have some pics and vids to give me an inkling.

    Tabitha, I hope you will take a look at my blog post tomorrow (Friday). I am going to post a poem (song lyrics actually) and I'd love some critical analysis from a poetry pro like yourself.

  26. Oh, I love this! I'm smiling! Brings me back to when my own sweeties were two and full of life--and mischief! Good luck!

  27. Keep that species under close observation. :)

  28. Perhaps your sanity is with mine, and they are hiding.

  29. So funny! I'm thinking it's a good thing reinforcements are about to arrive. Hope the dog comes out soon.